I will be attending and speaking briefly about my story at the “Ladies Alive Retreat and Luncheon!” on Saturday, Feb. 8, 2010, at the First Baptist Church, 102 Bishop Avenue, Coldwater, MI 49036, 8:00 am – 3:30 pm.
(continued…) Cavallo – “Men are born hunters. They love the chase and they love to win.” 12
The experts all agree that men are meant to be the chasers and women are emphatically advised to allow the man to do this. In fact, over and over again the message I have read is that to keep a man’s interest, he must be continually challenged to earn the woman’s love and respect. It is a complete waste of time and energy for a woman to work hard to please a man, thinking it will make him love her more, when in reality that is what drives him away. To keep her man, a woman must find new ways to make her man work for her love.
Another relationship book I found helpful is Steve Harvey’s, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. It is easy to read, and very enjoyable.
The following two statements were given by Harvey:
“A woman who genuinely wants to be in a committed relationship… must be able to understand what drives a man, what motivates him, and how he loves. If she does not understand these things, then she will be vulnerable to his deception and to the games that he plays.” 13
“The game a man plays is to do whatever it takes to get the woman he approaches to sleep with him.” 14
What can I say? Everybody knows these are true. To help a woman understand a man is the main reason for Cavallo and Harvey’s books referenced in this work.
“In short,” Cavallo admits, “men want a sex object and women want a success object.” 15
It is in a man’s DNA to make babies and assure the future of our species.
What do women want in a man?
Cavallo – “A woman wants a man who is educated, has ambition and wealth, is respected, has some kind of status, is tall and strong, dominant, assertive, has strong facial features and a good sense of humor (which shows intelligence, novelty, and flexibility), and willing to make a commitment.” 16
When I asked my women friends to tell me what they wanted in a man, they came up with quite a different list. Here is our list: he must be kind, caring, honest, understanding, thoughtful, clean, handy, old-fashioned, a gentleman, and a good dresser.
Cavallo – “A man will never be able to love a woman like she wants him to love her.” 16 “A man loves differently than a woman does. A man wants respect and to him love is respect.” 17
A man shows that he loves a woman by providing for her, protecting her, and doing things for her. A woman needs to learn how to recognize the signs that he loves her. She needs to notice what he does and understand that he is doing it for her. He is showing her he loves her when he offers to help her. A woman needs to allow a man to help her when he offers.
Can you let (allow) a man help you? Do you step aside when he offers to do something for you and let him do it? It will improve your relationship when you do this.
Cavallo – “A man wants to make a woman happy and if he thinks he cannot make her happy then he will leave her alone.” 18
I was surprised to hear Carlos say this but I have am now convinced that this is definitely true. ~
Cavallo says that it is important to let the man be the first to say the words, “I love you”. If the woman says it first she is making a big mistake, one that will immediately cause him to pull away from her. 19
Cavallo gives a solution to this dilemma, but I am going to leave you hanging here. To find out what he suggests she do instead… read my book. Thanks for reading these posts.
(continued…) Cavallo – “A man wants three things: a. to be helpful, b. to solve problems (fix things), and c. to feel useful.” 11
My response to each of these three things is as follows: a. My husband told me he wanted to be more helpful around the house. But, because I always complained that “he didn’t do a good job” or “what he did wasn’t good enough” or pointed out that he had “missed this or that”, because his standard of cleanliness did not measure up to my standards, I destroyed in him his motivation and desire to help me. Then I ended up doing everything myself because no one else could do it “right”.
By being overly critical I ended up hurting myself and I learned too late that it is better to accept whatever a man offers to do not to judge him or his results if I want him to continue to give his help.
b. My husband was definitely a “fixer.” He enjoyed fixing things around the house. He did this willingly (most of the time) for me, and I did always thank him for it and praise him for doing a good job.
However, it is important to know that at times a person just wants to vent, and is not asking for advice on how to “fix” or solve the problem. Everyone must learn to recognize when the other person is just venting and when they are asking for help or a solution. Sometimes, the only thing needed is a good listener.
c. As my husband grew older and became physically unable to fix things around the house or do the jobs he once had done, such as yard work, driving the car, etc., he felt useless, becoming embarrassed and degraded.
To reiterate, a man will work harder to please the woman he loves if she is vocal with her praise, admiration, and appreciation, but he loses motivation when he is subject to sharp criticism and lack of respect. A woman needs to remember that her man is subjected to criticism at work and at any time, and doesn’t need it at home.
Cavallo – “Men want to be appreciated.” 10
Cavallo states that most men do not receive praise as women do. Even as children, boys are more likely to be considered “trouble-makers,” and are told to “suck it up,” “be a man,” and “don’t cry.” While girls are told often how “cute they are”; or “you did a good job, honey”; etc. He also advises that a woman needs to tell her man that she appreciates him and the things he does for her. However, he cautions that she must be truthful in her praise because he knows when he is lacking in this department and her appreciation will be labeled “false”.
I definitely agree with Cavallo on the above statement, but I want to add that women also want to be appreciated. Too many women will work harder and harder thinking they will win his love and appreciation by working harder and longer when in reality he may notice that she is over-working herself, but he mistakenly assumes she is doing it to please herself and not to please him.
The other day one of my friends was telling me about her deceased husband and she mentioned that he often would tell her to leave whatever she was doing and come sit down with him. That sparked a memory of my husband who would quite often say something similar. I would always be hurrying up to finish whatever I was working on and say, “if I don’t get this done, it will never get done” and continue what I was doing. Once I joined him on the deck without him requesting it, and he said surprised, “You mean you are actually going to sit down with me for a few minutes?’
At the time I didn’t know why he was so surprised, but now I know it was an important time for us to be alone, just to chat and spend some alone time together which is what he wanted. I had unknowingly given priority to all the other, unimportant things instead of giving my time to my beloved. What was wrong with me? Nothing, I was just being a woman! Sad!
(Continues…) Cavallo – “Men are direct, saying exactly what they mean. . .” 5
I do not agree with this statement because I know men sometimes say the direct opposite of what they really mean just to test a woman’s reaction. Cavallo even contradicts his own statement later in this same e-Book, when he advises a woman to look at what a man does rather than what he says.
In later years, I learned that my husband had a different definition than I did for several words he used. Had I known this earlier, we could have avoided some of our misunderstandings. Perhaps this explains why there is so much misunderstanding in communication between the sexes.
I agree that women are often not direct, often only hinting at what they really want. There are several reasons why this happens. They might be afraid of losing their man by disagreeing with him; they might not want to hurt his feelings, or they might just want to avoid an argument.
Cavallo – “A man is his opinion and disrespecting his opinion is disrespecting him!” 6
I have come to realize that this statement could very well be true because it seems that recently several men I have been conversing with, ended our conversation rather abruptly after I expressed an opinion that was different from their own.
Cavallo – “ once a man has made up his mind about something, it is almost impossible for him to change it.”7
I have seen several incidents in the men’s dating site profiles a statement similar to: “I am a liberal, and if you are not, please do not contact me.”
Cavallo – “Men have a stronger sense of self than women do.” 8
I agree that sometimes women appear to be wishy-washy. I know my husband expressed that he thought I was too “wishy-washy”. In most of those cases, I had no opinion and was offering him the opportunity of choice.
Sometimes, I know women can be overly concerned about what others are thinking about them and, therefore, are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Both men and women are sometimes insecure or have poor self-images.
Cavallo – “Men fall in love more quickly than women.”9
I was surprised by this statement and I think most women would be also. However, when we stop to remember that men are visual creatures who tend to pay more attention to the way the woman looks than to other details, it is easy to see that he can fall quickly for a beautiful looking woman.
A woman, on the other hand, while she may be attracted to a man’s physical appearance, she tends to study his personality to see how he acts so she can determine if he will meet her needs.
“Men are not wired to think about two or more things at the same time and are unable to multi-task.” 3
I never realized that most men simply do not have the ability to multi-task as women do… I guess I just never thought about it since multi-tasking is second nature to me. I do it all the time. Cavallo suggests that understanding this one concept will allow a woman to plan ahead so she will avoid interrupting him when he is thinking about something else, he simply cannot change what he is thinking about as quickly as a woman can. Instead, just knowing that he needs time to process the changes, will allow a woman to be more patient with him.
My pastor the other day had a sermon about relationships and used the analogy, “Men Are Like Waffles and Women Are Like Spaghetti.” This analogy describes men as waffles because men are compartmentalized. Their thought patterns are similar to having a plate full of several different foods (potato, meat, carrot, etc.), and they would eat one food group (ex. potato) until it was gone and then move on to the next (meat) food and eat that., etc. Women, however, have everything all mixed up together in their brains. Using the plate of food as an example, a woman would put a little of each food group in her mouth at one time, savoring everything all at once. (“Men Are Like Waffles — Women Are Like Spaghetti” is a 2001 book written by Bill and Pam Farrell, co-directors and founders of relationship counseling organization Masterful Living.)
Cavallo suggests that if a woman understands this concept of a man, she could schedule her “want to talk times” at a pre-determined and convenient time for him. Examples of bad times for a woman to attempt a conversation with a man include the following: • when is watching the news or a sports event, • whenever he is reading, and • whenever he has just gotten home. 4
In regards to the last phrase above, a man absolutely needs some alone time when he first gets home from work to adjust to the huge change from one environment and tasks at work, to being home and able to focus on his family life, his wife and his kids. This alone time and activity could include: reading the newspaper; chilling out in front of the tv; reading a book; taking a quick nap. Biven this time alone will make a lot of difference in his attitude and well-being. for the rest of the evening. Then he will be able to start communicating and playing with the children. Note: the chill-out time cannot be during his commute to and from work.
About women – they have the innate ability to multi-task and it is this quality that enables them to monitor the kids’ activities, fix dinner, converse with another adult, etc. all at the same time.
Everyone knows that men and women are different. Some ways in which they are different are very obvious and some are not. During my grieving journey, I stumbled upon Carlos Cavallo, a relationship advisor who has worked with thousands of men and women, who has recorded several audio courses on dating and relationships. My favorite is entitled, “Understanding Men”.
I found this eBook to be thought-provoking and answered some questions I had often wondered about during my fifty-year marriage. Occasionally one of the insights offered here, left me thinking, “If only I had known this while my husband was alive….”
I am sharing some of Cavallo’s information here in the hopes that it will help my readers to avoid arguments about issues that probably cannot be helped. Knowing this one fact would have prevented a lot of hurt feelings and heartaches for me. Cavallo states, “most women have it all wrong about men.”1
I sometimes mentioned to my friends, both male and female, that I was having a difficult time “understanding men”. In every case, my listener laughed and confessed to having the same problem, i.e. understanding the opposite sex.
I read the book, “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” by best-selling author, John Gray, PhD, a leading internationally recognized expert in the fields of communication and relationships, focuses on assisting men and women in understanding, respecting and appreciating their differences. many years ago and it helped at the time. I was surprised to read that it is still on Amazon.com and very popular. It was written in 1992. (Visit www.MarsVenus.com)
Near the end of my fifty years of married life, I finally came to the realization that my husband and I had different meanings for some of the words we used. This led me to the conclusion that a woman needs a dictionary with definitions of words as used by a man, and a man needs a dictionary with definitions of words as used by a woman. Perhaps that would help solve the age-old problem of men and women not understanding one another.
I am sharing a few of Cavallo’s ideas regarding the difference between men and women because I really believe that knowing this information will enable a woman to better understand where her man is coming from, and therefore, allow for better communication, understanding, fewer hurt feelings and fewer arguments, resulting in an improved relationship. I have obtained permission from Cavallo to include it. For clarity, I have italicized Cavallo’s words inside apostrophes, and my comment follows.
Cavallo: “Suppose your man has a good reason for what he does…? Suppose he is genetically programmed to act a certain way and cannot change his behavior…? Could this (knowledge) make a difference in your reactions to his behavior…? and would (this knowledge about men) make a difference in your relationship?”2
I pondered these questions, thinking about my fifty years of married life, and I have concluded that things would have been different in my relationship with my husband had I known some of these things when he was alive. It seems to me that our arguments always started with a misunderstanding, followed by my getting my feelings hurt because he was not doing or saying what I thought he should be doing or saying.
I think had I understood some of the following things about men, I would have handled the situations much differently.
In my next few posts, I am sharing a chapter from my book about the differences between men and women from my book. I hope they will be of interest to my readers.
I was on the radio this morning advertising my book. The interview was recorded and will be re-played on WBET ‘s Facebook Page later today.
My first newsletter was printed on June 6, 2019. I will add it here whenever I figure out how to do it.