I will be attending and speaking briefly about my story at the “Ladies Alive Retreat and Luncheon!” on Saturday, Feb. 8, 2010, at the First Baptist Church, 102 Bishop Avenue, Coldwater, MI 49036, 8:00 am – 3:30 pm.
What do women want in a man?
#13. “A woman wants a man who is educated, has ambition and wealth, is respected, has some kind of status, is tall and strong, dominant, assertive, has strong facial features and a good sense of humor (which shows intelligence, novelty, and flexibility), and willing to make a commitment.” 15
When I asked my women friends to tell me what they wanted in a man, they came up with quite a different list. The want a man who is kind, caring, honest, understanding, thoughtful, clean, handy, old-fashioned, a gentleman, and a good dresser.
#14. “A man will never be able to love a woman like she wants him to love her.” 16 “A man loves differently than a woman does. A man wants respect and to him love is respect.” 17
A man shows that he loves a woman by providing for her, protecting her, and doing things for her. A woman needs to learn to recognize that these are the signs that he loves her. She needs to notice what he does and understand that he is doing it for her. He is showing her he loves her when he offers to help her. A woman needs to allow a man to help her whenever he offers.
Can you let (allow) a man help you? Do you step aside when he offers to do something for you and let him do it? It will improve your relationship when you do this.
#15. “A man wants to make a woman happy and if he thinks he cannot make her happy then he will leave her alone.” 18
I was surprised to hear Carlos say this but I am now convinced that this is definitely true.
Another relationship book I found helpful is Steve Harvey’s, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. It is easy to read, and very enjoyable. The following two statements are from Harvey:
“A woman who genuinely wants to be in a committed relationship… must be able to understand what drives a man, what motivates him, and how he loves. If she does not understand these things, then she will be vulnerable to his deception and to the games that he plays. . .The game a man plays is to do whatever it takes to get the woman he approaches to sleep with him.” 19
Again, what can I say? Everybody knows these are true. To help a woman understand a man is the reason I included the messages from Cavallo and Harvey’s books.
#4. “Men are direct, saying exactly what they mean. . .” 6
I do not agree with this statement because I know men sometimes say the direct opposite of what they really mean just to test a woman’s reaction. Cavallo even contradicts his own statement later in this same e-Book, when he advises a woman to look at what a man does rather than what he says.
In later years, I learned that my husband had a different meaning for the words he used than I did. I wish I had known this earlier. This is why I thing men should come with a manual that includes what they think different words mean. Perhaps this would solve the problem of the sexes being able to communicate with each other.
I do agree that women tend to hint at what they want instead of being direct. This may happen because they are afraid of hurting his feelings, or that he will be angry with them and they want to avoid an argument.
#5. “A man is his opinion and disrespecting his opinion is disrespecting him!” 7
I have come to realize that this statement could very well be true because it seems that recently several men I with whom I have been conversing abruptly walked away from me when I expressed an opinion that was different from their own.
#6. “ Once a man has made up his mind about something, it is almost impossible for him to change it.” 8
I have experienced this several times and I have seen several profiles on the dating website which state: “I am a liberal, and if you are not, please do not contact me.” Talk about a closed mind.
#7. “Men have a stronger sense of self than women do.” 9
I agree that sometimes women appear to be wishy-washy. I know my husband expressed that he thought I was too “wishy-washy”. In most of those cases, I honestly didn’t care which restaurant (for example) we went to and was offering him the opportunity of choice.
Sometimes, I know women are overly concerned about what others think about them and, therefore, are afraid of saying the wrong thing. Both men and women are sometimes insecure or have poor self-images.
#8. “Men fall in love more quickly than women.” 10
I was surprised by this statement and I think most women would be also. However, when we stop to remember that men are visual creatures who tend to pay more attention to the way a woman looks rather than her other attributes, it is easy to see that he can fall quickly for a beautiful looking woman. A woman, on the other hand, while she may be attracted to a man’s physical appearance, tends to study his personality to see how he acts so she can determine if he will meet her needs.
#9. “Men want to be appreciated.” 11
Cavallo states that most men do not receive much praise during their lifetime. When they are little boys, tend to be considered “trouble-makers,” and whenever they get hurt they are told to “suck it up,” “be a man,” and “don’t cry.” Girls are told how “cute they are”; or “you did a good job, honey”; etc. A woman needs to tell her man that she appreciates him and the things he does for her. He needs to know that she has his back. However, she must be truthful in her praise because he knows when he is lacking in this department and her appreciation will be labeled “false.”
I definitely agree with Cavallo on the above statement, but I want to add that women also need to hear that they are appreciated. Too many women will work harder and harder to please her man in order to earn his love, but it has the opposite affect. Men tend to think she works hard to please herself.
The other day one of my friends was telling me about her deceased husband and she mentioned that he often would tell her to leave whatever she was doing and come sit down with him. That sparked a memory of my own husband who would say something similar. I would always be hurrying up to finish whatever I was working on and say, “If I don’t get this done, it will never get done” and continue what I was doing. Once I joined him on the deck without him requesting it, and he said surprised, “You mean you are actually going to sit down with me for a few minutes?’
At the time I didn’t know why he was so surprised, but now I know it was an important time for us to be alone, just to chat and spend some alone time together which is what he wanted. I had unknowingly given priority to all the other, unimportant things instead of giving my time to my beloved. What was wrong with me? Nothing, I was just being a woman! Sad!
#10. “A man wants three things: a. to be helpful, b. to solve problems (fix things), and c. to feel useful.”12
My response to each of these three things is as follows: a. My husband told me he wanted to be more helpful around the house. But, because I always complained that “he didn’t do a good job” or “what he did wasn’t good enough,” I destroyed his desire to help me. I ended up having to do everything myself because no one else could do it “right” or according to my standards. By being overly critical I ended up hurting myself and I learned too late that it is better to accept whatever a man offers to do and not to judge him or his results if I want him to continue to give his help.
b. My husband was definitely a “fixer.” He enjoyed fixing things around the house. He did this willingly (most of the time) for me, and I did always thank him for it and praise him for doing a good job. However, it is important to know that at times a person just wants to vent, and is not asking for advice on how to “fix” or solve the problem. Everyone must learn to recognize when the other person is just venting and when they are asking for help or a solution. Sometimes, the only thing needed is a good listener.
c. As my husband grew older and became physically unable to fix things around the house or do the jobs he once had done, such as yard work, driving the car, etc., he felt useless, becoming embarrassed and degraded.
To reiterate, a man will work harder to please the woman he loves if she is vocal with her praise, admiration, and appreciation, but he loses motivation when he is subject to sharp criticism and lack of respect. A woman needs to remember that her man is subjected to criticism at work and at any time, and doesn’t need it at home.
#11. “Men are born hunters. They love the chase and they love to win.”13
The experts all agree that men are meant to be the chasers and women are emphatically advised to allow the man to do the chasing. In fact, over and over again the message I get is that to keep a man’s interest, a woman must continually challenge him to earn her love and respect. It is a complete waste of time and energy for a woman to work hard to please a man, thinking it will make him love her more, when in reality that is what drives him away. To keep her man, a woman must find new ways to make her man work for her love.
#12. “In short,” Cavallo admits, “men want a sex object and women want a success object.” 14
What can I say? It is in a man’s DNA to make babies and assure the future of our species
Wired differently? That’s a new thought for me! I knew men and women are different. Some ways are obvious and others are not. I have often thought a separate dictionary that gave the men’s definitions would be helpful. Although I was married to the same man for fifty years, I have to admit that there were times when I just didn’t understand him. In fact, he occasionally told me, “You just don’t understand…” He was right, I didn’t. As I talked with some of my men friends, I discovered they wished they could understand a woman. My women friends say the same, they wish they could understand a man.
Carlos Cavallo, a relationship expert, has published an audio course called “Understanding Men”, and I grabbed it up. He says says that “most women have it all wrong about men.”1 Talk about an attention-getter! Wow! He claims that his information is based on data he has gathered from his work with thousands of men and women over the last ten years. With his permission I am sharing some of his important advice because as I listened to what he was saying, I kept thinking, “I wish I had known this when my husband was alive!” I am sure other women will say the same when they hear what he says. I have italicized Cavallo’s quotes and then my comments follow.
#1. Cavallo: “Suppose your man has a good reason for what he does…? Suppose he is genetically programmed to act a certain way and cannot change his behavior…? Could this (knowledge) make a difference in your reactions to his behavior…? and would (this knowledge about men) make a difference in your relationship?” 2
I believe the answer to the above questions is “Yes, definitely!” Most of the arguments my husband and I had started with a misunderstanding. Then my feelings would get hurt because he was not doing or saying what I thought he should be doing or saying. I think had I understood more how men think, I would have been more patient with him and attempted to find out exactly what he meant. (add: Perhaps I could have said, “This is what I heard you say _______________. Is that what you meant?)
#2. Men are not wired to think about two or more things at the same time and are unable to multi-task.” 3
I never realized that men simply do not have this ability. I guess I just never thought about it because multi-tasking is second nature to me. Cavallo suggests that understanding this one concept would allow a woman to plan ahead so she can avoid interrupting him when his mind is occupied with something else. Knowing that a man simply cannot change back and forth from one thing to another like a woman can. Just knowing that it takes time and effort for a man to switch gears should allow a woman to be more patient with him. I remember my husband complained many times that he couldn’t keep up with me because I “flitted” from one thing to another too quickly. Is this what he was talking about? I wonder.
A few weeks ago in his sermon, my pastor’s sermon was about the differences between a man and a woman and he used an analogy from “Men Are Like Waffles and Women Are Like Spaghetti,” a 2001 book written by Bill and Pam Farrell. Men’s brains compartmentalize their thoughts and activities similar to a dinner plate on which each type of food is separated from the others. Women, on the other hand, do many things at once and so their dinner plates resemble a dish of spaghetti.4
#3. If a woman understands this concept she can schedule her “want to talk times” at a convenient time for him. Examples of bad times for a woman to attempt a conversation with a man include the following: • when he is watching the news or a sports event, • whenever he is reading, and • whenever he has just gotten home.
Note: a man need to be able to chill for a short time when he first gets home to allow his mind and body to adjust from his work environment to his home environment. 5 This alone time and activity can include: reading the newspaper; chilling out in front of the tv; reading a book; or taking a quick nap. Given this time alone will make a lot of difference in his attitude towards his wife and children and will improve his own well-being for the rest of the evening. Once he has made the necessary adjustment to being home, then and only then is he able to start communicating and playing with the children. Note: he cannot accomplish this chill-out time during his commute to and from work.
Women do have the innate ability to multi-task and it is this quality that enables them to monitor the kids’ activities, fix dinner, converse with another adult, etc. all at the same time.
In my next few posts, I am sharing a chapter from my book about the differences between men and women from my book. I hope they will be of interest to my readers.
I was on the radio this morning advertising my book. The interview was recorded and will be re-played on WBET ‘s Facebook Page later today.
My first newsletter was printed on June 6, 2019. I will add it here whenever I figure out how to do it.
Grief has many faces. Catastrophic and life-changing, dealing with the loss of a loved one is one of life’s most difficult events. Grieving is different for each person, but it is very necessary. Each of us is saying, “Good-bye” in our own way. It helps to know others experience similar feelings under similar situations. Seven Stages of Grief have been defined as: shock, denial, guilt, anger, depression (sorrow), bargaining, and acceptance.
Knowing where one is in the process is also helpful. Many people need to be reminded to take time to mourn and to feel their pain. It is all part of their healing process.